“I’m fine.” This is the phrase that most often rolls off of my tongue when someone has asked the almost obligatory question included in most American greetings “How are you?” It is generally a question that is asked not expecting much more of an answer then what I usually give. Unless asked by a very close friend and even then it will probably be followed by the “how are you really?” if it is the true answer they are looking for.
Lately I have not been able to answer “I’m fine” to that question. The best I have been able to do is “I’ll be fine” or “I’m, well, OK” but mostly I have noticed that when someone ask that question I struggle to find any positive response, and so I they are getting answers like “ I’ve had better days.”
It reminds me of a song by the Refreshments, Good year for bad days. The chorus says, “It’s been a good year for bad days, or a bad year for good days, well here we go again, yeah here we go again now”. When I have listened to that chorus in the past months it has resonated inside me. I know what that feels like. And as I look around I know I am not the only one who has been feeling this way.
This seems like the perfect place to just unload the whole list of tragic events that have taken place over the last few years. Yes it would be nice to sit here and have a pity party about it all. And actually over the past few weeks I have done just that. But I am not going to unload on you right now. You see, even though I still think there are many unfortunate events circling around my life and the lives of those around me, I still have my Creator, my Savior, my Lord, my God.
I recently took a trip to the top of a mountain and spent the time unplugged from work and family. I went to ask God what he is doing. I went to get direction as to what he wants me to do. I had specific questions that I wanted answers to, and I was determined to wrestle with God until he gave me those answers. I did not get the answers I was looking for, in fact God was remarkably silent about my questions. But I did find peace. I took my bible and I read. I read all of Matthew and some in psalms. I spent time praying and listening. And while I did not here the answers to what God is up to, I did hear him speak to my heart. He actually stopped me in the middle of reading Matthew with a strong burden to turn to psalms I ended up in Psalms 106 which is basically a short history of the Israelites after leaving Egyptian captivity. It describes the on again off again worship and disregard of our heavenly father. But at the end it says this;
43 Many times he delivered them,
but they were bent on rebellion
and they wasted away in their sin.
44 Yet he took note of their distress
when he heard their cry;
45 for their sake he remembered his covenant
and out of his great love he relented.
46 He caused all who held them captive
to show them mercy
I admit, shamefully, the passage reminds me of my own relationship with God. And while I am still uncertain of where God is leading me at this time in my life I am much more content to follow. There is a peace in knowing that God is showing mercy on me and that he hears my cry, that whatever has taken me captive is being made to show mercy. I am not sure when the troubles will pass. I don’t know that that will. But I know that I have to keep my trust in God because he alone can get me through. The difficulties are still here but they are God’s to deal with not mine I will trust he will guide me through. So if there are more bad days to come I say bring them on. I know where my strength comes from. And it is not me.
