The Doubt Inside

The Doubting Side (extended)

home to me

I wrote this song for my wife. I never thought I had a musical bone in my body. so don't be too critical. the song just came to me over the coarse of about a month, and with the help of my Mac's Garage Band app, I got something that actually sounds OK. hopefully I can get some help with it some day to turn it into something good. but for now it is just here to tell my bride just how much I love her.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCmc0e2Gu7g

A Grace Filled rganization

About six months I wrote about a depression and defeat that was slowly beginning to loosen its grip on me. In that writing I described many events I had experienced with Amor Ministries that I allowed to push me down that path of depression. When I first left Amor I knew I did not want to write much about it because I knew I would write negatively and that would be very unfair to Amor. For though, I left with some negativity Amor has been one of the most life altering and truly blessed experiences God has ever had the grace to bestow upon me. So, as I wrote my feelings down in that last note I did so with much trepidation of how it would be received. The time was far past due to write it and it proved to be very therapeutic as it really help me to put it into perspective and finally start letting it go so God could start healing. However as I said in that note;

” God blessed us so much through Amor. There are so many great stories to tell from that time, but that also is not this story. Just know that Amor ministries will also hold a special place in my heart”.

I feel it is now time to tell my small part of a great story of a wonderful ministry.

It is so wonderfully strange how God uses our pain and failures to ultimately bless us if we allow Him to. That is how it all started for me. If you know anything about my story you now I have not been shy about my struggle with pornography. It has been the thorn in my side that only God’s grace has ever overcome and when I have not relied on that grace it is “THE SIN” that is always used to attack me. Not long into our marriage I allowed this sin to nearly destroy the relationship we had committed ourselves to.  Luckily I was repentant and Jackie while hurt was committed and forgiving. I ran to the one place I knew to be safe, straight into the arms of God. Willing to accept whatever the consequences were, I found love and acceptance from both God and my wife.  That brought me to Central Christian Church. Which in turn brought me to Amor ministries as I was looking for anything that would allow me to repay my debt to God for my restoration, as if I could (not to worry I have realized the impossibility of that desire and the things I do for God are now not out of any feeling of obligation but entirely out of love and awe for a God that loves me just as I am). 

So let me tell you about a wonderful ministry made up of the most imperfect, grace restored, forgiven sinners that love God out of awe and wonder, and aim to serve him by serving those in need. It is a ministry I am very proud to have been a part of.

Amor Ministries is a grace filled organization. I did not see every tough decision that had to be made through out my time there. But I saw enough to know that grace and forgiveness were top priorities when dealing with any indiscretion that may arise in any organization.  I credit this to that founders Scott and Gayla Congdon. As in any organization the whole group will not always agree and while there may be disagreement, Scott and Gayla have created an atmosphere where Grace and forgiveness are always the foremost concern when dealing with the difficulties that arise. That is not to say that necessary steps are not taken when required but there are handled with grace. I cannot express just how unburden it is to work in such an environment.

Upon leaving Amor and returning to a job force in which the workers main goal is just to earn a paycheck I was amazed to see the “least I can do” attitude I ran into with the majority of the workers. After nearly ten years with Amor, it was so foreign and nothing like Amor. There is something about Amor there brings out your best. 

Most of you know I am an introvert but the thing I miss most about Amor is the people. I miss my coworkers with whom I felt became a second family. I miss the countless groups of people who came to give and ended up receiving the blessing of meeting wonderful families. I miss the families, difficult as it was to communicate with them. I miss the pastors who have such wonderful hearts for the people.  I miss my friend Alonso and wish our last days together were better.

As I said in that last note there are many great stories to tell, Stories of house building, stories of bonding, of loving, funny ones and sad ones. But I think I will hold them in my heart a little longer before I let you have them. I will end with something I wrote when I first took on a management roll with Amor. I think it captures well my overall feeling of Amor and the respect I have for what is done there. To all of my Amor Family I still love each of you and miss you.

From my Blog; A Very Different Year, April 23, 2007

“after getting the groups settled into camp I spent some time visiting with the groups and then as I got in my vehicle to go home for the night, I felt a little sick driving out of camp. I realized that there is a big part of me that is going to miss being there in the field ready to act on whatever comes up. There is such a bonding that occurs when you spend that much time with groups trying to assist them in their mission. While I really enjoy my new roll, I know I will miss that more than anything. Thinking back on it now I am glad for that little bit of heartache. It tells me that I really do care for those that I serve. Anything we do can easily become just a job. There are times that I ask myself if I am letting that happen to me here at Amor Ministries. I think if I ever answered yes to that question it would be time for a change. But I know my heart is still in it, the many lives that are touched by this ministry continue to touch mine. I cannot see this as just a job when it impacts my life so profoundly.”

With all the difficult times that ended my time with Amor. I never stopped loving this ministry and it never became just a job. May God continue to use this ministry to bless and restore many, many lives.