Farewell

Well, I guess I can’t avoid writing this any longer. For quite awhile now I have been wondering if it were time for me to leave Amor Ministries. I went back and forth on the issue, so much so I was making myself just a little crazy. At the end of spring I finally came to the conclusion that it was time for me to leave. I did not want to leave the ministry during a busy time of the year so I decided that I would leave at the end of our summer season. Well, that time has come. As I write this I have three days left of work with Amor. I have been spending entirely too much time away from my family and it seems like this is best for all of us.

Jackie and I have decided to move back to El Paso. Shortly after I made the decision to leave the ministry she was offered her old job back with a raise. So since June 10^th she has been living in El Paso. That has made for a difficult summer as we have missed each other very much. There have be times that I traveled to Texas or she to Arizona so it has not been all summer long but I will be happy when we are living under the same roof again.

We bought a new house in mid July, and moved both Jackie a Danielle in. We used just about any down time I had to move our belongings into the house and it has started to feel like it is our home.

This has probably been one of the toughest decisions I have ever made. The work I have been doing with Amor Ministries has impacted my life in such a profound way it has become entangled with my heart and the separation is painful. There are so many people that I have met over the years that I can only imagine how much I will miss. The organization itself, the people who run it, well, I just can’t find the words that express my feelings and gratitude about the way you have impacted my life. Thank you all.

I don’t know where God is leading me at this time in my life. I am currently looking for work. I do however, trust that God will provide. He has proved that much to me over and over again. So as we move on into another season of life. I place my trust God and know that he still is not done with me. Where he is leading I will follow.

Good Year for Bad Days

“I’m fine.” This is the phrase that most often rolls off of my tongue when someone has asked the almost obligatory question included in most American greetings “How are you?” It is generally a question that is asked not expecting much more of an answer then what I usually give. Unless asked by a very close friend and even then it will probably be followed by the “how are you really?” if it is the true answer they are looking for.

Lately I have not been able to answer “I’m fine” to that question. The best I have been able to do is “I’ll be fine” or “I’m, well, OK” but mostly I have noticed that when someone ask that question I struggle to find any positive response, and so I they are getting answers like “ I’ve had better days.”

It reminds me of a song by the Refreshments, Good year for bad days. The chorus says, “It’s been a good year for bad days, or a bad year for good days, well here we go again, yeah here we go again now”. When I have listened to that chorus in the past months it has resonated inside me. I know what that feels like. And as I look around I know I am not the only one who has been feeling this way.

This seems like the perfect place to just unload the whole list of tragic events that have taken place over the last few years. Yes it would be nice to sit here and have a pity party about it all. And actually over the past few weeks I have done just that. But I am not going to unload on you right now. You see, even though I still think there are many unfortunate events circling around my life and the lives of those around me, I still have my Creator, my Savior, my Lord, my God.

I recently took a trip to the top of a mountain and spent the time unplugged from work and family. I went to ask God what he is doing. I went to get direction as to what he wants me to do. I had specific questions that I wanted answers to, and I was determined to wrestle with God until he gave me those answers. I did not get the answers I was looking for, in fact God was remarkably silent about my questions. But I did find peace. I took my bible and I read. I read all of Matthew and some in psalms. I spent time praying and listening. And while I did not here the answers to what God is up to, I did hear him speak to my heart. He actually stopped me in the middle of reading Matthew with a strong burden to turn to psalms I ended up in Psalms 106 which is basically a short history of the Israelites after leaving Egyptian captivity. It describes the on again off again worship and disregard of our heavenly father. But at the end it says this;

⁴³ Many times he delivered them,
but they were bent on rebellion
and they wasted away in their sin.
⁴⁴ Yet he took note of their distress
when he heard their cry;
⁴⁵ for their sake he remembered his covenant
and out of his great love he relented.
⁴⁶ He caused all who held them captive
to show them mercy

I admit, shamefully, the passage reminds me of my own relationship with God. And while I am still uncertain of where God is leading me at this time in my life I am much more content to follow. There is a peace in knowing that God is showing mercy on me and that he hears my cry, that whatever has taken me captive is being made to show mercy. I am not sure when the troubles will pass. I don’t know that that will. But I know that I have to keep my trust in God because he alone can get me through. The difficulties are still here but they are God’s to deal with not mine I will trust he will guide me through. So if there are more bad days to come I say bring them on. I know where my strength comes from. And it is not me.